If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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