I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
