My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
