I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
