we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Soap is not a condiment
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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