I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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