I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
