I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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