who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
