I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
