Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
