Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
