your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I can't trust your balls anymore.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
