dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize