they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
My vagina is officially offended.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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