you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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