You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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