Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
