Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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