I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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