Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
