i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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