Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
