If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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