I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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