the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
