This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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