So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
