i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
