Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize