I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
