well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
