My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
