called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
