i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize