jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
