You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
