I puked a lego.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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