i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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