the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
