that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
