Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
