I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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