i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
