Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
