If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Vodka?
Forever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
