I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
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