I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
