Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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