ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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