just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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