I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize