She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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