Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
well you can't waste a boner
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
