I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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