I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
