he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
