I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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