does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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