Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
