found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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