I accidentally had phone sex last night
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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