so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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