college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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